Swim Lessons

I discovered upon the onset of motherhood, from the moment I found out I was pregnant, that I was terrified of everything bad that could happen to my child. The primary thing my paranoid mommy brain focused on though was drowning. It didn’t matter the size of the body of water, it was a drowning threat. I didn’t want him to go to people’s houses with swimming pools or ponds or bath tubs or properties that formed puddles when it rained. So, we began swimming lessons when he was less than a year.

Most facilities begin parent and me swim lessons for infants at 6 months of age. My son loved the water immediately and it was a great way for the two of us to do something fun together. I let my husband do the first sessions in the water with Gray, but that’s mainly because I was not getting into a bathing suit yet. Babies and children may not adapt immediately and may cry or flat out throw fits to avoid participating. Know that your instructors are trained to deal with hesitant or fearful children. Even if your child screams through the entire lesson, stick with it. Don’t worry about what the other parents in the class think- Screw them, you’re providing your child a necessary skill and next week it will probably be their child screaming.

Most programs will have you submerge your baby on the first lesson. My husband completely dunked our son. The mommies in the class that did little more than splash their baby’s face seemed a little alarmed, but he did just fine, minus a little sputtering. My son’s biggest hesitancy was being on his back in the water. He was like a puppy that didn’t want to be rolled over, but back floating is the most important skill a child needs to learn. If they were to fall in a body of water, they can float until an adult finds them or until they make it to the side. Our swim club teaches them to climb out from an early age and to wall walk with their hands, down the side of the pool. Later, as they begin swimming, floating will allow them to save themselves if they become distressed due to fatigue or cramping. Different facilities have different curriculums so visit a few places.

We tried out several swim schools before we found the Houston Swim Club. Their primary goal is water safety and once those skills are learned, then lessons on traditional swim strokes are focused upon. You have to find a facility that you are comfortable with. I live in the Houston area where there are many different places that are freestanding swim clubs rather than being a class offered through the YMCA or local rec center. You may be limited to one or two options, but take advantage of whatever resources you have for water safety.

Gray is now over two and a half and is able to float on his back and doggy paddle across the pool. We are actually getting into swim lessons instead of don’t drown lessons. I know if he fell in a pool he would be able to float on his back and make his way to the edge and climb out, and at this point, jump back in for the fun of it. Yes, I still worry about riptides, flash flooding and fountains, but I know within the realm of realistic aquatic threats, Gray is well prepared to save himself.

Good Mourning

Today I’m spending my day saying goodbye to a long time friend- my 15 year old dog, Atticus.

Atticus came to me from a friend who had a stray roaming their rural neighborhood. Residents had been shooting at him to get him to stay out of their trash and she came to his rescue. I had an “only child” pug/boxer mix that was my first dog as an adult. Atticus, a black lab mix, showed up skin and bones, full of buck shot and heart worms, and as scared and submissive as I’ve ever seen a dog… and thus began my pack. Where Baxter demanded every ounce of my attention and a raised tone in his direction was effectively ignored, Atticus didn’t have the audacity to request any attention and the slight inflection of my voice sent him hunkering beneath a table. Much to Baxter’s chagrin, I would sit with Atticus and he would gratefully lay his head in my lap and sigh.

I spent the first few weeks squeezing buck shot out of Atticus’ skin and offering him food. He ate voraciously and even 15 years later, never turned down a meal, always retaining the stray mentality of eating when food was available. That is until today. This wasn’t a surprise, cortisone shots and Bufferin have sustained him the last couple of months, bought me some more time with him. We’ve been walking in that grey area of, when is the right time to let him go.
I had made that decision 2 years before for a 13 year old Baxter. We had a third partner in crime in our pack, Jack, a yellow lab, that came a year after Atticus. Those three boys got me through my tumultuous twenties. Jackie passed tragically, in my arms, but Baxter and now Atticus will pass peacefuly in my arms.

Atticus is the last of my boys, my family before I was married, before I had my son, before this pregnancy. For the first time since I got Baxter, 16 years ago, I will have only one dog in my mixed family of humans and canines. We got Jane the Super Dog 5 years ago and though I adore her, the bond is different. I don’t rely on her to fulfill all of my emotional needs like I did my boys. I was married when I got her, I’ve had a son and another on the way. She has gotten to be a dog where Baxter, Atticus and Jack were my world, my partners and children. Jane is usually a very pushy dog and cannot stand if Atticus is being petted, shoving him away to usurp the attention. Today though she lays in the other room, leaving me to sit on the floor next to Atticus while I type this. Jane will be happy to be an only dog and will be disgruntled when we bring home another, because eventually, we will.

Atticus is the last vestige of my life before I allowed others into my emotional world. The last of my teachers who showed me how to trust another human. After all these years together, Atticus still does not have the audacity to demand attention, except on occasion, still winces at a raised voice and still retains a couple pieces of buck shot that never worked their way out. How metaphorical for me, how lucky I am to have an example of loving and letting in despite the scars.

So now we wait for his four o’clock appointment, alone together, while my husband and son are at swim lessons. I love my human family, but I was raised by dogs. They each, with their different personalities, taught me more about being human than most humans I have met. I’ve explained to my 2 year old son that Atticus will be leaving. His response is, “I can’t miss Atticus, mommy”. When he doesn’t want to do something he says he can’t. I just look back into his concerned little eyes and say, “I can’t miss him either, baby”. That would be too small of a word to describe not only saying good-bye to Atticus, but to Baxter and Jack all over again. I love you, Atticus. Tell Baxter and Jackie I say hello.

Fourth Toe Misdemeanor

I fear I’ve broken my toe. By doing something wild and exciting, you might presume? No, by walking through my perfectly normal and boring kitchen. A ninja chair claimed casualty to my fourth toe on my right foot. I have jiu jitsu tonight so said toe is going to have to Wo-man up. It’s protesting in deep shades of purple but I question its sincerity in keeping me off of it. My feet on the whole are privy to my refusal to acknowledge their turmoil, but this particular toe has yet to solely carry the burden of injury, thus making it ill-prepared to cope with the abuse and neglect that I will inflict upon it.

My second toe still recalls the Freibergs disease of my youth and how not even a cast could provide respite for the rare and painful affliction. I have overheard the mocking that 2nd Toe is lashing upon Fourth Toe for a measly bump on the head and it isn’t pleasant.

Farther up, Metatarsals(who in a shocking and quite frankly passive aggressive protest, have changed their name to Meta World Peace) are airing their agreement that a rugby injury and subsequent cast were spaced out half a season. Metatarsals also recalled a crack to the them while kicking another human in the elbow and then again, to be sure they were actually broken and not just feigning injury.

They all laugh at Fourth Toe’s ninja chair assassin because, in reality, it was a household chair with delusions of grandeur that sought expression of its misuse as a clothes rack on poor little Fourth Toe. It could have happened to any one of them. I got a hideously cartoon yellow paint job on my toes during a pedicure a few days ago and I fear it made them easy pickings for the ninja chair. The purple bruising certainly made Fourth Toe more festive in a rambunctious Mardi Gras hue, but I think it may be a mere consolation prize at this point. So, please keep Fourth Toe in your prayers today.

Women in the Workout Place

We could discuss women in the work place, and that is a viable topic I would love to tackle, but today we’re looking at women in the workout place. You know, that place you rarely get to visit because you’re too busy working and taking care of other humans.

Ladies, are you lifting weights? Please, for the love, lift weights and lift heavy weights. Don’t let the men at the gym intimidate you. In just the last month at the gym I’ve seen a guy working out in a polo and gym shorts (showing off his pencil legs, because body proportion is wack) and a guy who looked like he came in right off the job site in steel toe boots and a work shirt with his name over the pocket. I’ve seen men using the machines improperly, lifting weights that were too heavy so they were not working the intended muscle group and I’ve worked in on machines with guys that I had to up the weight when it was my turn. You deserve to be there and I promise you, you know as much as they do… and besides, being women, we’ll ask if we don’t know rather than do squats on the leg press machine.

Here are a few survival tips for women in the workout place.

1. This is the best kept secret to surviving at the gym and one that men use. It’s a pretty complex concept: ACT LIKE YOU ARE SUPPOSED TO BE THERE!

2. Go in with a plan. Create an idea of what you want to accomplish at the gym that day. This helps to keep you from feeling lost or aimless. Google some exercises and write them in a note on your phone. You will look like you’re changing music instead of checking notes. Really though, anyone who knows what they are doing keeps notes of their exercises anyway. Record the exercise, how many sets you did and how much weight lifted or the duration of the exercise. This helps you see progress and keeps you motivated.

3. Every machine has a picture with how to use it. I have been lifting weights since I was 12 and am a personal trainer yet I still have to read these from time to time. When you stop to read it, you may feel like everyone in the gym is judging you for having to read it. It feels like when the teacher would call you up to the board in front of the class to do a math problem, but no one is watching you. If the room is full of men, they’re watching themselves in the mirror and other women are reading their own machine’s placards. If you still don’t understand how to use the machine, ask someone. Find a trainer (they usually have on a shirt with “trainer” on the back) or go up to the desk and tell them you have a question about a piece of equipment.

4. Schedule a free session with one of the gym’s personal trainers. Most, if not all, gyms give you a free first session with one of their trainers. They will assess your fitness needs and take you through a sample workout. They will offer you a training package but do not feel compelled to sign up for it. This assessment will give you a few ideas of how to use some of the equipment. You can even request a session specifically to show you how to use the equipment. You may even get this service free from your gym, just ask. If you can afford to continue working with a personal trainer, sign up for 5-10 sessions (the per session rate should decrease the more sessions you sign up for). You can get a jump start on being in a routine with some accountability and learn how to put together a workout. You will be well prepared to go it on your own after that.

5. There is etiquette in the gym that you should be aware of. Some people ignore it, but don’t be one of those people. Take turn on machines: If you are doing three sets then be aware of others who want to “work in”. This means they want to get a set in in between your sets. Don’t just sit on the machine texting between sets and if someone else is, just ask them to work in. Wipe your sweat off the machines: Carry a towel with you and simply wipe down the seat when you’re done. There will be antibacterial wipes around too so when you’re done with your sets you can grab one and wipe it down that way. Re-rack your weights: If you are using free weights, put them back where you got them.
These tips should get you started, and that’s what’s important: to get started. A couple weeks of getting used to the gym and you’ll be a regular. Don’t be intimidated, act like you’re supposed to be there, go in with a plan, ask for help and do work. The quickest way to change your body is to lift heavy weights. That means heavy weights by your standards, not Joe Muscle over there using his back to do curls that are entirely too heavy for him. You can do this! Need some extra motivation or suggestions? Drop me a question in the comments or for more regular posts, head over to facebook and check out AvengerFitness!

15 Things They Don’t Tell You About Having a Toddler

When people say there is no instruction manual for kids, that’s not entirely true.
There are thousands of books about raising children, but let’s be honest, even if your infant came out clutching an owner’s manual, you wouldn’t read the thing anyway.  Within those books, were you to read them- which you won’t because you don’t have time, you would find some excellent advice on how to raise a perfectly lovely human being. But your toddler is not a perfectly lovely human being nor are they equipped to listen to reason.

Remember drunk Joe from college who always stripped naked, stumbled around, danced awkwardly and peed all over himself before giving a good natured slap to the face that turned into a more aggressive punch which devolved into biting and stumbling before the authorities could subdue him, just for him to pass out mid- sentence?  Yeah, he prepared you better for raising a toddler than any book. Good news is, Joe, with your constant supervision, outgrew that phase of his life and so will your toddler.  These, 15 things they don’t tell you about having a toddler, will at least marginally prepare you for what is to come or reassure you that you are not alone and your toddler is perfectly normal.

If you are raising a toddler at the current time and it’s amazing you’ve had time to make it this far into this article, jump to number 15 and peruse the rest later. Number 15 tells you everything you need to know.

1.  One day your toddler will slap you in the face from close range, in front of lots of people. You may or may not be able to reprimand your child, depending on your sense of humor. Being high-fived in the face by a 2 year old is just funny, whether it’s out of playfulness or a temper tantrum.  Either way, you’re forced to keep a poker face.  You don’t want to smile and reinforce the behavior, nor do you want to make the angry face you want to make which gets child protective services called on you.

2.  Cuss words for some reason are the only articulate words in a lexicon that is otherwise only partially decipherable. These cuss words will most likely be used for the first time or the most frequently in front of your grandmother or pastor, or both.  If your grandmother is a pastor, the cuss word will most certainly be dropped around her.

3.  Your toddler will go through a nudist/exhibitionist phase.  For some reason toddlers love to strip down and proudly show off their bodies while standing on tables, chairs, the family dog.  Do not let this alarm you.  This is perfectly normal and unlikely to become a permanent behavior.  The biggest concern is that they feel comfortable with their bodies. This is a phase best worked through at home, away from daycare and church nurseries.

4.  Your toddler will hit another child and though the little brat probably deserved it, you will half-heartedly chastise your child and wonder how you will teach your kid it’s ok to hit some people.

5. Potty breaks are at their discretion, not yours or traffic’s. In fact, your toddler becomes very aware of the power they wield as a recently potty trained toddler and will leverage that power for getting up from naps, getting out of time outs and generally manipulating you to avoid them peeing on themselves.  For more on this, see point #15.

6. Your toddler will somehow learn to dance like a stripper and you hope this doesn’t coincide with the nudist/exhibitionist phase, though of course it will.

7.  Toddlers do not have an innate sense of how to serve a time-out.  Time outs are reasonable uses of redirection for toddlers, but take some skill to master.  It requires putting the child in the time out over and over and over again, seemingly defeating the point.  These are the times you realize that you were spanked and turned into a decent human being.

8. When your toddler starts toddling, you will feel compelled to find out when everyone else’s kid started toddling,  so you can determine how much more awesome your kid is.  Your friend’s kid may be twenty and hasn’t toddled in 18 years, but you’re still keeping score.

9.  The first few times your toddler falls while mastering the art of toddling, your first impulse will be to laugh. Though the novelty of these falls will wear off, there will still be the occasional fantastic fall that includes pinging off of things and skidding that require you to stop laughing long enough to comfort your little one.

10.  When you tell your toddler to, “stop it”, and they reply with, “you stop it”, you understand what a simple but terrific comeback that is.  Really, what do you do with that?

11.  There is a thrilling sense of victory that you taught another human to poop in the potty.  You will tell your friends about it. Yes, your friends, and not even just the other parents.  You’ll tell your few remaining cool friends that still go out and wear trendy clothes that have never been thrown up on.  You will put it on Facebook and it will be on your timeline into perpetuity, or until all the cool kids decide Facebook is being ruined by parents talking about their kids’ potty habits.

12.  That victory seems hollow when you realize that wiping a toddler’s bottom while hanging off the edge of the potty is somehow more disgusting than changing poopy diapers.

13.  Your toddler will bite another child and you will be mortified. When this happens, do not worry that you are raising a little Hannibal Lector.  Understand that this is a phase that all toddlers go through and redirect your toddler accordingly. It helps to act really mortified in front of other parents though.  Believe me; they’re doing the same thing.

14.  Toddlers are like zombies, they move neither quickly nor efficiently and yet they are deceptively difficult to keep up with or get away from.

15.  Your toddler is smarter than you.

Mediocre Mommy?

I’m finding out I’m not as mediocre as I used to be. I mean, I used to be really good and mediocre. Take this certification I’m studying for. I used to be able to do the bare minimum, pass with a mediocre grade and be perfectly satisfied with that effort and outcome. I took a practice test with those principles of mediocrity firmly in hand and did not do as well as in previous efforts. Mediocrity used to be sustainable with a level of effort that was efficiently proportional to my natural ability. Something has occurred though that inhibits me from being both effortlessly mediocre and content with the spoils of mediocrity. Mediocrity comes more hesitantly in proportion to my effort these days and since I do not desire to be substandard, unless I make the conscious decision to be so, I have to adjust for this cognitive dissonance.

If mediocrity is not a God given, base line result of minimum effort, where is the redeeming sense of, I could do better if I put forth a marginal amount of effort?  If I have to work to be mediocre then mediocrity loses it’s sense of rebelliousness. Interestingly, excellence and effort have become more desirable as my natural mediocrity atrophies with age. It’s like the word that has scalded me for three and a half decades is suddenly soothing and cajoling, a Siren beckoning me to her rocky shore where jagged rocks and rip tides threaten my casual and effortless treading of water.  It’s the “P” word… potential. I’ve caught myself thinking recently during intense bouts of exercise or inadvertent effort, what if I took this potential for a spin? What would happen if I really tried?

I’ve bathed in the tepid water of mediocrity most of my life while people with life rafts swam to save me, only to curse me as I reveled in my ability to barely stay afloat with minimal effort. The sirens then, may not have been Potential lulling me from my comfortable malaise after all. My son, all I want for him and all I want to be for him, opened my eyes and revealed the razor sharp teeth, pallid skin and hollow eyes of the Sirens that sung me to sleep on an island called Mediocrity.