Baby poop

I am writing this post from my iPad, pecking away on a touchscreen keyboard. Why? Because my 8 week old is having a hell of a time pooping today and cannot relax. If I want to write, this is how it must be done- on an iPad, getting hot boxed by the man sized gas expelling itself from an infant sized body. But this it how it goes.

He has relaxed enough for the time being to doze on my shoulder. If I were to try and put him down to free up my time to type properly on the computer, he would start crying all over again. So I peck away. Excuse me for a moment will I gag on this last bit of flatulance.

I just texted my husband this:

There’s absolutely nothing my husband can do to help me, which should probably make me refrain from being angry with him, but I’m pissed he gets a productive day while I wait for his son to take a dump. Annnnd he’s screaming again. Hold the line…

I’m back, until the next wave of discomfort attacks my poor baby. I feel sorry for him being in this much pain. This is one of those poops you and I would be sitting on the pot praying that God would relieve us of this burden- which is a similar prayer when we were hungover.

My mind begins taking inventory of what I have eaten to cause such intestinal distress in my infant. My mommy guilt tells me this must somehow be my fault, which pisses me off because my husband can eat and drink whatever he damn well pleases. So he gets another text message. I won’t include the contents of this text.

Still no poop yet. I just yelled at God to let my kid poop already. I believe that prayer takes many forms, let’s hope God agrees.

He’s lying in his bouncer now, fretting every few minutes. I can’t commit to switching to the computer. Murphy’s law clearly states that any attempt to return to normal activity when your baby finally settles will result in a reaction equal to or greater than (most likely greater than) the original emotive response of the child. So I continue to peck, peck, peck on the virtual keyboard.

I wish this story had a happy ending where in post fecal bliss I report that a bowel movement was achieved and I am now typing comfortably from my computer. Sorry kids, life isn’t a fairy tale, at least not the Disney version- more like the Grimms’ version. There’s still no poop and I’m running out of ways to describe the act of pooping. Guess I’ll spend the rest of the day sending bitchy texts to my husband as an outlet. If you could say a little poop prayer for my baby, I’d appreciate it.

Babybook: If Your Baby Was on Social Media

Babybook Selfie! Just chillin’ in my bouncer.

Ever wonder if your baby is judging you?  Like a miniature teenager blessedly unable to voice their gripes and whines?  Maybe they are.  Here’s what your baby’s social media thread might look like if they were on Babybook.

My reusable diapers make my bottom look big.

Are these bottles BPA free?

The batteries in my mobile died.  Now I’m stuck staring at the ceiling.  Who can sleep like this? Screaming helps.

Are these cheerios genetically modified?

Ma! The humidifier is empty.

Is this white rice cereal or brown?  I’m not eating simple carbs.

Mom’s baby bullet died so I’m having to eat processed, packaged baby food.

My mom got these Nikes at Goodwill.  OMG, that means another kid wore them like, 3 times before me.

Dad bought me disposable diapers with Winnie the Poo instead of Mickey Mouse. #daddyfail

My iPad battery died. Great, now I’m stuck watching Your Baby Can Read on loop.

My mom thinks public breastfeeding is “natural”.  Really? Try being the one having to breast feed in public.  How embarrassing.  I hope none of my friends see me.

Are these crayons non-toxic? Cause I just ate like three of them.

These swim lessons are wack.  Have you seen what a swim diaper does to an adorable two piece?

If I have to listen to another Sonata or hear Bach one more time, I’m going to scream.  Someone put on The Plain White Onesies.

I know this binkie was on the floor more than five seconds.  Apparently blowing on it before you put it back in my mouth is part of the new infant guidelines for sanitary oral pacification methods.

I’m not sure if dad is trying to trim my fingernails or cut off my fingers at the first joint.

Is this breast milk paraben free?

I don’t feel like working out today- think I’ll skip tummy time.

This bib makes me look like I have no neck.

For the love! Can we invest in a wet wipe warmer?

I can’t wait ‘til I’m older and have the cognitive ability to understand physics.  It seems like if my head fit through the bars, it should fit backing out.

Gymboree was packed today.  I’m thinking I need to find somewhere less crowded to workout.

I can’t sleep with this random blankie.  It doesn’t know me.  It doesn’t know what I’ve been through.

This outfit was not washed in Dreft!  I’m all itchy, it’s burning my skin!

Support my neck, rookie.  I’m 2 days old.  I’m only out here because I ran out of room in there.

Where is my Boppy?  It was just here! Mom! I can’t find my… oh, never mind.  Don’t judge me, I’m still extremely near sighted.

Is this person trying to feed me peanut butter? I can’t have peanut butter for at least another six months.  Someone stop grandma! She’s trying to give me a peanut butter allergy and potentially ruin a normal childhood of PB&Js.

Strawberries? Has anyone talked to this woman about how we raise kids these days? I can’t have strawberries yet.  It’s an abomination!

I drank so much last night that I threw up all over dad.  I’ve really got to get off the tit.

30 Insights on Life With a Newborn

I am 6 weeks out from having my second child- another boy. It’s amazing how quickly you forget what having a newborn in your life is like. I discovered some Facebook posts I made during my first son’s infancy. Check them out and see if they apply or applied to you. If you’re expecting for the first time, here’s a heads up on what to expect.

• Grayson is a baby’s baby. Moms want him and babies want to be him. He likes his bottles shaken, not stirred.

• I really like my new Columbia waterproof shorts. Gray peed on me and it beaded up and rolled right off.

• Since he was born, Grayson has taken an interval training approach to life: intense bursts of life with short recovery periods of napping in between. I’m happy to announce he has now diversified his approach to a cardio based life program and is now taking longer recovery periods in the form of at least one, two hour nap every day between high endurance efforts. This means more recovery time for Mommy The Avenger!

• My pool workout tonight was exhausting. I’m not much of a swimmer but my new boobs can serve as flotation devices in an emergency.

• Every time Gray falls asleep it’s like rolling play-do, he wakes up longer and skinnier.

• This generation’s parents are trying so hard not to make their parent’s mistakes that they are doing the opposite and making their grandparent’s mistakes their parents were trying to avoid.

• There are three things that a new mother fears above all else: that her child will become ill, that her child could be injured and the batteries on the swing will die.

• Why are long, beautiful eyelashes wasted on little boys and cocker spaniels?

• Gray now believes he is supposed to try and roll over anytime he is on his back. This ceased being adorable while changing diapers. It’s like waving around a loaded weapon.

• McDonalds: the place where broken families swap kids for the weekend and parents make emergency stops for the out of control screaming infant in the back seat. I looked like a child abductor trying to soothe a stolen baby. If only Happy Meals came with a bottle and pacifier.

• Yesterday, in an effort to further my child’s initiation into super hero status as Grayson The Avenger!, I had him injected with a cocktail of no fewer than 7 viruses that have decimated entire human populations. These small doses will allow him to fight off just enough to make him…IMMUNE!

• I am practicing the, oh shit he saw me, extraction move while checking on Grayson. Seal Team 6 couldn’t check on this kid without detection.

• All the single babies, all the single babies, all the single babies, all the single babies… if you like it then you shoulda put a bink on it, if you like it then you shoulda put a bink on it.

• I took Grayson to his first movie, bridesmaids. He didn’t do very well so I tried to hush him by nursing him. It’s the most action I’ve ever gotten in a movie theater.

• My milk shake brings all the boys in the yard…the song stuck in my head while running tonight. On a related note, running while breast feeding takes some getting used to.

• I have many friends who would never choose to be mothers. I was among them for a long time, but God gave me one anyway. I wish they could feel this for even five minutes before going their entire lives without getting to be someone’s mom. It is absolutely the most amazing adventure I could have ever embarked upon.

• Public service announcement: it has been confirmed, I do indeed have the cutest boy ever born. Second place is still up for grabs however.

• Letting one’s child cry himself to sleep for the first time is like walking on fire while eating glass and drinking acid from a sippy cup only to find out it’s really walking on clouds, eating Bon Bons and sipping a smooth beer from a frosty mug once you get a moments respite.

• Having worked with animals my entire adult life, I thought I would be well prepared for being peed and pooped on, but there’s just something different when it’s your own species.

• Started mother’s day with Grayson’s 4am feeding. Gray made me a “homemade” gift and everything. I don’t think I’ll be hanging this one on the fridge though.

• It’s a refined skill required to make the tricky arm cradle to baby bed maneuver. Make the move too soon and the nap is a bust, too late and the kid sucks you in to how sweet it is to hold them and there goes your nap.

• “Nap when your baby naps” would be great advice for a mom with a baby that actually slept rather than taking fifteen minute power naps.

• I managed to escape stretch marks on my belly, but, alas, I’m getting them on my boobs. What self respecting mother can flash her boobs with stretch marks all over them, I ask you?

• I think the root cause of all screaming babies is that they have opposable thumbs and no idea how to use them yet.

• Cooked a hot pocket about an hour and a half ago…just remembered I meant to feed myself.

• I have graduated as a mommy. I am now accomplishing tasks with one arm while holding an infant- like feeding myself and typing this status update.

• Why can’t clichés stay clichés? They are all rooted in a bit of truth though. Take the exhausted new mom cliché, for example. Really wish that one were not so true.

• The practical application of the female nipple is much more fulfilling and rewarding than the recreational. I’m labeling my pumped bottles: Grade A(avenger) milk- for badass babies with badass mommies.

• I’m finding that in motherhood with a newborn there is no such thing as sleep, life is just a series of naps.

• The Boppy is the greatest invention since velcro.

• Soooo tired, sore and bruised up. Who knew a 7lb human being could cause more damage to my body than an entire rugby match? Just like in rugby you have drinks with the perpetrator afterwards as if nothing happened. Unfortunately with motherhood the drinks are always on me.