How to lose baby weight when you’re not a celebrity

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If I see another celebrity picture 6 weeks post-partum being celebrated for looking totally fabulous already, I’m going to squirt breast milk in their eye. Here’s the deal: celebrities are not normal post partum women! It is an impossibly unrealistic goal to look like a celebrity does 6 weeks after giving birth. Let’s make it an even playing field here. Give us normal folk a nutritionist, an assistant to do the grocery shopping, a personal chef, a personal trainer and a nanny to watch the kid or kids while we workout and we’ll be well on our way to being red carpet ready in 6 weeks. I actually heard one celebrity say in a sincere tone that she looks so fab already because of breast feeding…period.

Stop it! Stop the madness! Did she seriously just pretend like breast feeding alone restored her body to the amazingness that stood before us? Did she sit there and pretend like she doesn’t have a team of people enabling her to not only have the time to workout and cook, but place in front of her exactly what to do and eat to attain a stunning figure so quickly? That is the most irresponsible thing a woman in her position can do to another woman.

Look, I was 13% body fat when I got pregnant this time. I was fit, y’all. Now I’m 4 weeks post partum and guess what? My ass is ginormous! My belly is going down well and properly camouflaged to look halfway decent in the right shirt, but, again, my ass is huge. Even if I weren’t restricted from activity more strenuous than walking for 6 weeks due to my C-section, I would not be red carpet ready. It is not realistic to expect that we will be. But guess what? We do of course.

Let’s give ourselves a freakin’ break here. We just grew an entire human in our wombs, which our entire bodies worked in concert to develop. If we had the perfect circumstances and money was no object, like a celebrity, then we might be able to attain some semblance of the bodies we want…THE BODIES WE WANT. Ah, here it is. Let’s be honest, ladies. On top of the pressure we are putting on ourselves to lose the baby weight, we are also adding the pressure that we should lose the pre-baby weight also. I mean, if we’re going to start a fitness routine to shed the pregnancy pounds, may as well tackle those few left over from the previous baby, or whatever caused those extra pounds to accumulate in our trouble areas. Hey, me too and me also.

Guess what? Weight Watchers isn’t paying us to lose that baby weight. We have to pay them. Oh, wait, I have to buy nursing bras or formula, wet wipes and diapers, and start saving for another college fund. So, sorry, there’s no wiggle room in the budget for weight watchers. Besides, even if they paid me to eat well, are they going to watch my kids so I can do it? Are they going to do the laundry, clean the house, cook dinner so I can make losing weight a priority? Are they going to get up at night and feed the baby so I can sleep? Are they going to have the requisite hormonal argument with my husband for me? Nope! So the stress is still going to be there, which contributes to weight retention not only by the body’s chemical response to stress, but because it makes me eat two king size Snickers just for funsies.

I don’t mean to hate here. I am happy for Heidi Klum and her return to size zero clothes 6 weeks post partum. Congratulations, I sincerely hope you don’t turn your ankle in platform high heels while walking the red carpet. Ok, yes, I do, because people falling is funny. Really though, good for her. I’m glad she has the resources to do so. What I’m saying is that the majority of us cannot hold ourselves to this standard. These celebs are not doing this because they have better will power or are superhuman. The point I’m trying to make is that they are not working alone. They are working in concert with an entire support team to get them back into shape. The average mom is lucky to get her husband to wake up once in the night. My big sister would kick her husband then roll over and act like she was asleep to get him to wake up and check on the baby. He was so proud of himself too that he was waking on his own. Hey, we have to do what we have to do, ladies.

Look, this is a pep talk for myself here, I’m not preaching. As I squeeze into my jeans that were my “fat jeans” pre-pregnancy, I hate myself just a little. My belly went down, my ass did not. That’s a serious bummer and I hate it. I find myself berating myself for not already being, if not back to normal, at least well on my way. The train feels like it hasn’t even left the station! But I swear to you, I will not let another celebrity post-baby body influence how I perceive my weight loss. I can berate myself just fine, thank you very much. Besides, the only red carpet I’ll be walking is the one my 3 year old spilled red cool-aid on while I was nursing the baby. Where’s my personal assistant when I need him? Good help is so hard to find.

Don’t Workout, Play! 2 Tips to Stay Motivated and Get Fit.

How is that New Year’s resolution going?  Is the fervor with which you made it starting to wane a little?  Has it waned a lot?  How do you keep motivated when chasing your kids all over hell and half of Georgia and don’t have time to make a healthy snack, let alone meal? Truth is, you have to make the time to be healthy  a priority.  It’s an appointment you must keep with yourself and make others respect.

Is time not your enemy, but staying motivated is? A terrific way to stay on a fitness routine is to join a team or train for a specific event.  It lends some purpose, intent and accountability to your fitness routine.  Here are a couple of ways to get out of a fitness rut and infuse that workout with a different purpose- one of fun and play!

Join a Team

-Check out a slow pitch softball league in your area.  You could even organize a team of your coworkers.

-Join a running club.  Members meet up once or twice a week to run and split into pace groups depending on where you are in your training.  There will definitely be a beginners group, so don’t be intimidated or think you have to first get in shape to participate.

-Try out a martial arts class- yes they have them for adults.  A lot of dojos offer a cardio kickboxing class.  Start there, get to know the place and ease into other classes.  Most dojos offer several disciplines these days and you usually get a week free to see if you like it.  Tae Kwon Do is a great discipline for adults.  Also, try out jiu jitsu.  You can train in a gi (uniform), or no-gi.  Most women are more comfortable starting out in gi.

-Do crossfit.  It’s a great way to learn how to lift weights in a supportive environment while keeping track of your progress.  The only competition is with yourself.  You will find yourself trying to get stronger and more fit to match and beat your previous times.  Crossfit gyms are full of moms getting in shape.  Go check one out.

Sign up for an Event

-Register for a road race.  5K, 10K, half marathon, full marathon- whatever size goal you want to go after.  Download a training schedule for free online, let people know you’re doing it (for accountability), and start training.  My mom never ran a recreational step in her life.  She decided to train for a 5K, did a couple of those, and decided she wanted an epic challenge for her 50th birthday, so started training for a marathon.  Her first runs were more walks with a block of jogging thrown in, but eventually she was jogging with a block of walking thrown in.  Within four months she was going on 15 mile training runs and finished her first marathon.

My mom running in her 50th birthday marathon.

-Try out an obstacle race.  They are all the rage right now, and for good reason.  They make exercise fun!  Do an internet search for obstacle races coming up in your area and choose the one that looks fun.  Get a group of girlfriends together and train.  You will have a blast!

Once you get a larger goal, losing weight and getting in shape become less of the focus and more of a nice side effect of just being active.  When you train for something else, you naturally become conscientious of your diet and strength, because improving these will improve your performance.  Or, you’ll see that if you can do this without changing other habits how much better you could perform if you just cut out the extra sugar in your diet, or if you ran one extra day a week.  You will think more about fitness than losing weight, which is a much healthier outlook.  The goal is to have fun.  The goal is to go out and play!

For more advice, tips and just general help getting started, give me a shout over at thetomboymommy@gmail.com.  Free advice, people! Seriously, I’d be happy to help you out.  You can always just drop a comment below too.

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