Tomboy Wife

I’m starting to feel like I should have made this blog, The Tomboy Wife.  Seriously, you folks find yourselves here primarily through the search terms, “tomboy wife”, “marrying a tomboy”, “should I marry a tomboy?”, “what’s it like marrying a tomboy?”, will a tomboy wife eat her young?…Ok, I made the last one up, but I think it’s just a matter of time before that one pops up.

I’ve been married almost ten years and have two kiddos.  I think we’re all doing just fine.   I have two sons who go to my dojo with with me and watch me train.  Yes, at 15 months old and 4 years old, they both know what a jab/cross combo is and that it is a cardinal sin to wear their shoes on the mats.

Marrying a tomboy will be a challenge, for sure, if you are not a secure and confident human.  Tomboys, by nature (and due to our engaging in activities that constantly build self-esteem), are assertive and assured in nature.  Your tomboy probably doesn’t need your approval.  Count yourself lucky if you’ve found yourself a tomboy that loves you.  They probably love you for you, not for something they need from you (other than companionship and a partner in crime).

I suspect you are more concerned with what others will think of your tomboy partner.  Screw them.  I mean, that’s the best advice I’ve got.  A tomboy will make you feel like the most amazing human alive.  Will your judgmental friends?

From the motion picture, Love & Basketball.

I will add this cautionary aside so as to avoid leading you astray as to the awesomeness of all tomboys.  We do tend to be competitive in our relationships.  The mature tomboy has learned to temper this need to compete with their spouse.

You may find that your tomboy treats you as a competitor.

If this is the case, I would suggest you have a conversation with her to reiterate that you do not want to be her competitor, but her partner- her equal, neither above nor below her.  If you act above her, she will compete with you mercilessly.  If you act beneath her, she will not respect you.  She has probably had to compete against the boys the majority of her life for equality or comparison, either real or percieved.  Please be patient. I assure you she is worth the intimidation you may be feeling right now.  We’re really just looking for real relationships where we can be ourselves.

If you are searching for answers as to whether you should marry your tomboy, your tomboy is your best resource.

I’m a Tomboy…Mommy

Happy New Year to all!

It has been just over a year since I started The Tomboy Mommy, and in that year I have written about issues unique to being a tomboy and a mommy, fitness, and just general musing on parenthood, tomboy or otherwise.  I have taken a hiatus since October as I finished my book, and now that I’m letting that marinate in my mind before I begin the final polish, I can get back to blogging.

It’s been a curious affair, this blog.  I’ve found that there are a lot of people concerned about tomboys, as if we may or may not be a plague on society.  Oddly, I have gotten many queries through search engines as to the prudence of marrying or dating a tomboy.  I’m baffled by this particular concern, but I wrote about it in response, which you can find here at, Marrying a Tomboy.

Another concern that pops up through search engines is the case of tomboys and breasts.  I have to admit, I had some hesitation about their development myself, but found aside from Breasting Feeding and Sports, they have hindered me little in my pursuit of an active lifestyle.

There have also been people who have found their way to my blog because they were concerned about raising a tomboy.  I wrote about this in, How to Raise a Tomboy. My mother seemed to have a harder time with this than my father, but I was the second of five girls, so, my being a tomboy gave my dad someone to do boy stuff with.  My mom wondered whether I was gay, which is a fair assumption.  I didn’t realize at the time, but she provided me gay role models and started conversations like, “When you find your husband…or life partner.”.  She made me wear a dress to school at least once a week, but gave up on it when I cried hysterically all day at school.  We worked out a system and other than having to come out as straight at thanksgiving one year in my twenties, things were great.

It’s hard to not make parts of this blog about being gay as a tomboy. Though I am not, some of by best friends are (and they were as convinced as my mother that I was), and it is a concern that I think those raising tomboys have.  This year I will include guest posts from tomboys who are gay, because though I am an honorary lesbian, I am not actually, and cannot address such important and sensitive education on my own.

I called this blog, The Tomboy Mommy, simply because I am a mommy that’s a tomboy.  I have found though that there is an opportunity to help others figure out what that means for them and those they care about that may be tomboys.  I think the greatest challenge to a tomboy is just being accepted for who we are- pony tail, abrasions and all.

Please share my blog and help me reach more of those that need to know that there is a place where we can be tomboy children, tomboy grown-ups, tomboy spouses and tomboy mommies- and, we can do it all with a sense of humor.

How to Raise a Tomboy

istockphotos.com/CherylCasey

Are you raising a tomboy? Are you stressed out about the way they dress, the way they play and the way they express themselves? If you just want to know how to relate to and raise your tomboy, well then, welcome and let’s continue. Here are a few tips that will help you empower and understand your little tomboy.

1. Tomboys don’t want to be boys, they want to keep up with the boys, while being a girl.

2. Tomboys want short hair for practical reasons. When we’re out playing, a ponytail keeps falling out and our hair keeps getting in our eyes, making an already difficult task of keeping up with the boys, even harder.

3. We don’t want to be boys, we want the same opportunities and access to the fun games that boys are automatically given.

4. It’s not that dresses are horrible, but they’re not really conducive to “keeping up”.

5. Look, we still want to be girls, but in such a way that allows us to accomplish all the physical tasks that help us express ourselves.

6. Find clothes that are functional for your tomboy’s activities that still allows them to express their femininity. As an aside, this falls on clothing and toy manufacturers as well. For girls to have a functional wardrobe or play with toys branded for boys, these items have to come in colors other than pink and in cuts that allow for an active girl’s body. Sorry, but making a boy toy pink and calling it a day is not only lazy, but an outdated gender stereotype. I loathe the color pink, but mainly because of its gender bias. Sorry, I don’t want a pink football, or a pink base ball bat and kit. That’s like saying, I like sports, but it’s pink so I’m still a girl. I can like the color blue, thank you very much. My favorite color happens to be red.

7. Empower your tomboy in the way she expresses herself, through her physical attributes.

8. Look, little boys are dirty slime balls due to the nature of their play, but when it comes time to go somewhere, the are expected to clean up. No difference with a tomboy. It helps if they have a nice wardrobe that still allows them to feel comfortable in their skin, but accommodates the appropriateness of the activity. That doesn’t mean it has to be a dress and bows.

9. There will come a time when your tomboy wants to put on make-up, just to see what all of the fuss is about or because that’s how they think they can get the attention of “one of the guys”. Make sure they have this skill to reject or utilize. At the very least, let them know they can come to you if they ever want to try it out.

10. Being a tomboy may or may not be a phase and may or may not be indicative of their sexuality. I am still a tomboy at the age of 36, married to a man and have two kids. I have more skinned knees than my boys. I can still remember though a talk with my mom at the age of 16 that began, “When you meet your husband, or life partner…” While I appreciate my mom’s willingness to support me, not all tomboys will be lesbians. Saying that, I have many lesbian friends who are and were tomboys and I assure you they are wonderfully well adjusted and happy humans, assuming of course that that is what you ultimately want for your little tomboy- to be happy and well adjusted. As a mom, I can’t think of a better way to ensure such an outcome than to let them be themselves.